A court of Lying and Waiting
by PetraMarie21
Summary: Weeks after the war Nesta can't seem to heal from all that she's lost and seen and its starting to eat away at her. Cassian wont give up and is trying day by day to help her heal as the rest of the court sort through their own complex lives.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter One

It's all so painful. The star speckled sky above me is a constant reminder of everything I've done; of everything I lost. Each shining star holds a memory and if I try to look at them, even for just a second, the memories resurface. I shut my eyes and take a deep breath. I need to calm myself down. I breathe again and sigh. I don't deserve it, I have to keep reminding myself. I will never know true calm because I don't deserve it.

I open my eyes and allow myself one second of taking in the stars, the mountains, and the city of velaris before turning away. I do my best to ignore the growing pain in my chest as I make my way to the library. Books have become my escape when nothing else has proved worthy. I walk to the shelf almost forgotten in the back of this now dimly lit room. This is where I keep my favorite book. One of the only books that can make me feel normal.

I like to imagine what life would have been like if my family was never rich but instead, we would have had enough money to live comfortable lives with just a little extra on the side for us all to grow into the people we have always wanted to be. Feyre would have never had to touch a bow. She would have grown to be a well known painter, she would've made her own name and maybe married a wealthy man. It wouldn't have been this but she would have been happy. She would have never have suffered through as much as she has now.

Elaine would've married a wealthy yet gentle man. He would have loved her not only for her beauty but for the beauty she always seems to find in the world. He would have let her garden until she was old and frail and taken her to see the beautiful gardens of the world when she could no longer create her her own. Now, because of me her thoughts are not her own. She has the mind of a seer and the future is her curse. Her suffering hurts me the most because it is her suffering I could have prevented.

When I picture my life it would have been as simple as the one's I find on the pages. I would have married a man with just enough money to keep us content and we would've created a small little family. Our life would have been simple but filled with passion. He would have seen all the things hiding underneath the surface of the unexplored lake that is me. He would have seen me drowning in the sorrows of daily life and been my anchor to land until we both breathed our very last breath. I might have been happy if my life wasn't always filled with extremes.

I walk to the the chair that faces away from all of the windows in the room and read until nothing the words of these pages fill my head. I'm utterly lost in my head when the now familiar, too heavy footsteps walk down the hallways stopping right at the open doors of the library. I brace myself as I stand and turn around. I wipe any friendliness as I take in the only man who has ever seen through me. The hole in my chest gets worse. I scowl at him. I want him to leave, I pray to cauldron that he will. He never does. He just answers my scowl with a grin.

"You look amazing today Nesta but we really must do something about that face", I just stare at the door as he walks up to me and runs his finger down my cheek. I want nothing but to melt into that touch but I know I don't deserve it so I stiffen as the gap in my chest fills itself with longing and pain. Summoning as much fire as I possibly can as I shift my gaze to the hazel eyes that always burn right through me.

"What do you want today? Doesn't my sisters mate have something for his lapdog to do? I'm sure as the glorified overgrown bat with shiny red red siphons and a title you must be busy. Has he finally realized that there is no worth in a lowborn bastard?", I smile as the words seem to hit home and hate myself for it. I would give anything to hold him as I did on that battlefield and tell him that this isn't the real me. I want so much that my chest begins to ache again and I'm reminded of all that has been lost because of me. I'm reminded of my fathers death and the ruins that have formed in both of my sister lives. I keep my face as amused as possible as I wait for his response. He steps forward until there is no space between our bodies. I flood with heat as he leans down until his mouth is brushing my ear.

"It's amazing you play the bitch Nesta but you see I can hear how fast your heart is beating in your chest", He places his hand above my racing heart. I don't pull away,"It must kill you, really kill you, to know your mate is the bastard you think so poorly of.", He chuckles,"Too bad that I can smell how you really feel from a mile away. When are you going to give up this act Nesta, It's getting quite tiring these days", I pull away and instantly miss the warmth of his hand on my chest. I frown.

"You're nothing but a worthless bastard. You're not my mate and even if you we're", I brace myself for the words I know I will regret saying,"Why would I stay when even your own father didn't want you. Do you even know his name? "

Nothing but hurt flashes in his eyes and I know I've succeeded. I smirk when I want to do nothing but cry and beg for his forgiveness. I move to step around him and he grabs my wrist. I'm pull it back and walk away. Right as I reach the door I hear him whisper.

"I know you felt it too Nesta. I felt the bond snap into place and then all I heard was you. I heard you screaming my name on that field and in my head."

 _You were in my head Nesta_

I don't even flinch as he speaks in my mind. I only laugh and walk away.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Elain is so much more beautiful now it hurts. She is all soft lines with an aura that could charm the worst demon in all of our lands. Even now that she's changed. Even with the haunted look to her eyes and the distance her mind drags her through when it's time to go and visit the now she's stunning and Lucien seems so think so too. I pity him. He visits her everyday and she'll just stare out the window or invite him to garden with her. He always goes but on those days the garden is more than silent.

I watch as the sun bounces off her golden brown hair, Her brown eyes A bright shade of amber. She shifts and those amber eyes meet mine. She smiles and stands. Her light green dress flows all the way to the floor. She embodies the elegance I thought only out mother could have. I smile back.

"How are you today?", I ask with a softness to my voice that has belonged to only her. Her smile deepens.

"I'm great, It's just all a little strange. I can see everything now. At first I was scared and I had saw this gift as a curse but now I know why the cauldron decided to bless me", Her eyes grow distant for just a second. The shadows take over. Suddenly clarity returns and steps forward to take my hands in hers ," It's all going to be okay Nesta. Let him help you. He'll make it better", I pull my hands back.

"What did you just say?", My body has turned to ice. Waves are slipping in, threatening to pull me under the surface of the darkest parts of my mind. She steps back too, confusion written all over her face.

"I'm sorry if I caught you off guard. It's so hard to remember you can't see the world the way I do. I didn't mean to pry. I'm really sorry.", I'm out of breath. She can see it too. She knows I'm broken. She can see the hole in my chest too. Cauldron grant me the strength to get through this. I'm getting so dizzy, Too dizzy. I have to turn and walk away. I need to Get out of this room.

I feel like I'm suffocating. I run through the house until I'm on the balcony. The open air does nothing to appease this tightness in my lungs. I stare up at the stars while the heaviness in my chest in unwavering. My father's face flashes before my eyes. The man I've spent so long trying so desperately to hate, The man who despite all of my harsh words, died for me. I knew when I saw that ship that Even through it all he found a way to love me and that love got him killed. A single tear streaks down my face as I fall to the ground. I shouldn't allow myself this tiny moment of grief. I don't deserve it, I know I don't, but for the father who found a way to love me despite my actions, I grieve it all. I think of the day we lost our mother, of how that loss had torn him apart. I think about the loss of our wealth and the day the men came and ruined his legs. I think of sitting there doing nothing as we all slowly starved. I think of the day Feyre, the youngest of us all, left to hunt, she saved us all. I think of how that was also our demise, without that day we would still be in our little hut poor but easily content. I could have prevented it all. I should have stepped up and done more.

I start to sob. We're here, this hole in my chest is here, because of me. Even here, even after everything I'm still hurting more and more people. Poor Cassian will always be left to wonder what he did wrong. He will always be searching for the faults that lay in me, inside of himself. No matter where I turn or what I touch I'm always causing destruction and decay. I belong in the court hidden deep with the mountain this house lays upon. The court of nightmares, I'm a walking nightmare, I would fit right in. I start sobbing even harder.

"I didn't know you would be one for self pity Nesta", I turn sharply towards the doorway as I think of something, Anything to say. Concern is the only emotion contorting the roughness of his face. His curly black hair tied back in a bun. He steps towards me. I scramble to stand wiping the tears from my face. The hole in my chest feels three times bigger when it should be filled with rage.

"I'm not pitying myself. I'm grieving the ones who have made the mistake of loving me. Never mistake my grief for self pity. That's more down your lane anyway. Did you come here hoping that I would be so distressed I would just throw myself in your arms? Don't waste your time. I don't need comfort from some low born bastard. Go away", I stand as tall as I can and stare him down. He holds my gaze. For just one second I allow myself to get lost in the luxuriant fields of green and brown trapped within his eyes. I drink in the way his armor shows every contour of his body. I let the heat of this realization flood through me. Shame floods in and freezes that heat. I feel nothing but ice again. I turn red as I realize he could Feel those emotions on his side of our bound. Surprise shoots down from his side to mine. He steps back.

"You really are ashamed of me", I flinch not having anything to say. I won't give him hope by telling him the truth. He walks up to me running a finger along my cheek, hurt is written across his face,"I'm sorry the cauldron gave you a mate like me. I hope you find someone your proud of even if it isn't me", I stiffen as I shut my eyes. I can't take this, seeing him in pain. His hand moves away and I turn just in time to see him fly away.

 _I'm sorry too,_ I say down the bond. There is no response. I walk from the balcony to the library and lose myself in as many books as possible. I need to forget and in between these pages I do. Even when everyone I grow to love in these books look exactly like Cassian.


End file.
